the cassingle revival
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20 years old, a blog held from the age of 16, Australia, girl, young adult problems and resolutions, an honest and dry look at myself learning to be a better, bigger, happier person, artist, photographer.
Trying to find my place in the world, a career, a family, to move on from the hectic world of the Bartender.
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Friday, 29 April 2011, 12:24 am
hello, daddy.
so I've done a lot of study into a lot of different topics.
One thing I neglected was "daddy issues."
I had a long-term boyfriend who I was causing a lot of issues with, but no, no it couldn't be me causing those issues. But now, I was forced to take a good long look at my sensitive supressed side. Out of my entire near-19 rotations on this earth, I've spent maybe 4 hours thinking about the other half of my genetics.
I thought that I didn't like this man very much, but was more or less indifferent to him.
Similar to the way I feel about Tony Blair, or a long-lost ex boyfriend, or the rabbit on the road flattened like a pancake 3 months ago. Indifferent.
He's never been a part of my life. According to bank statements, all in all he's contibuted $12.52 to my upbringing. Not a call, not a word. Nada.
Tonight, after a little soul searching, I realised that it was somewhat likely that "daddy issues" were contibuting to my poor judgement in terms of relationships and men. The "symptoms" I managed to compile consist of those attributed to people with abandonment issues, sexual issues and narcissicm.
1) Sexual aggressiveness, and flirtation - I never actually was interested in the men I flirted with, I just liked the attention, shamelessly. For the first time in my life I'm not a fatty in the corner. Men like me -- even if it's just with the "bang-her" part of their brain. They show me I'm desirable. Like a kitten having the underside of her chin scratched, I purr and accept it.
2) believing I need to sexually fufil my partner to rediculous standards otherwise they'll never, ever, ever love me - I went overboard with this in my last relationship, I put too much emphasis on it and stuck my fingers in my ears saying "la la la!" when he tried telling me he loved ME, not what I could do for him. I did this for fear of losing him, he saw it as me being a nympho.
3) Older men - I have no interest dating or being with anyone under the age of 27-28 years old.
4) Too eager to please - I'd bend over backwards for a man to make him content. Again, overboard, spending too much money, avoiding my own life to impress his and losing my identity to drop everything and be the "dutiful" girlfriend. Aka "please say you're proud of me, daddy" syndrome.
And ecetera. I realised this wasn't healthy. (self awareness check, one, tick.)
So tonight, for the first time in my life, I called my "father."
I went into the call expecting nothing. I didn't feel much.
Call one. Palms sweating. Heart racing. Voicemail. Heard his voice and dissolved.
Call two. Same thing. Heard his voice. Bit my lower lip. Was he ignoring me? Did he know it was me? Did he HATE me? Did he want nothing to do with me? Omg.
My phone rings.
I let it ring. And ring. And RING.
I pickup and say "hello?"
Okay, it's more..
".. hello."
With a bit of a defensive tone.
I admit.
"Hi, who's this? I got a missed call from you."
"I'm your daughter."
Silence.
As soon as he said my name... I felt it all hit me at once. Everything I thought I didn't feel, I did, and suddenly I was angry, upset, in a rage, nostaligic, and more angry with this voice over the line. I wanted to scream WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN? WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE? YOU DID THIS TO ME. I HATE YOU. YOU HURT MY MUM. I FUCKING HATE YOUR SOUL.
Instead I just said "hi, Brett." Quietly. And he replied "you sound a lot older.. like a nice girl."
Defences back up and the rest of the conversation is a blur, a wrestle with my emotions. Half wanted to hate him forever and tell him everything I was resentful about, the other half just wanted to say "I love you dad.. please don't leave me again."
But, what can two people who have never met eachother say? Blood or not, it got awkward. Especially after he brought up the topic of money. I don't want money. I want a dad.
He told me he'd call me after work tomorrow and we'll "have a yarn."
Now I feel oddly okay about all this. I'm fixing my life! Look at me, Ms. Proactive.
Liberated, taking a step in the right direction... but unsupported.
This was a lot of unintentional garble fueled by classical rock.
I wonder if he'll buy me a new car.