the cassingle revival
Profile
20 years old, a blog held from the age of 16, Australia, girl, young adult problems and resolutions, an honest and dry look at myself learning to be a better, bigger, happier person, artist, photographer.
Trying to find my place in the world, a career, a family, to move on from the hectic world of the Bartender.
Archive
Thursday, 1 November 2012, 3:38 pm
Morbi tincidunt dictum consectetur. Suspendisse eu magna dolor, sit amet posuere elit. Etiam tristique tortor est, a mattis sem. Suspendisse pharetra leo id erat lobortis quis gravida massa malesuada. Etiam sed mauris a felis ullamcorper pretium vitae ut enim. Maecenas sodales dolor eget nibh sollicitudin non interdum nisl feugiat. Curabitur sagittis, ligula a imperdiet tincidunt, eros nunc mollis tortor, in rutrum nisi tellus non purus. Nam tellus mauris, molestie quis sollicitudin non, porttitor in mauris. Fusce bibendum, erat sit amet sollicitudin eleifend, dolor dui pharetra nibh, et fermentum nibh justo vel justo. Nullam ante nisi, ultricies ut luctus eget, vestibulum ut nisl. Sed eget elit nulla. Praesent et sodales quam. Mauris lobortis pulvinar rhoncus. Sed elit eros, molestie sed facilisis id, lacinia a tortor. Aliquam malesuada molestie tortor et sagittis.
Cras eget arcu diam, a fringilla nisi. Donec ante ligula, lacinia interdum dignissim eget, placerat et lorem. In laoreet pretium sapien, eget mattis sapien lobortis et. Donec vehicula iaculis elit, vitae pharetra augue bibendum at. Nullam cursus fermentum nisl, vitae vehicula risus auctor id. Phasellus tincidunt molestie augue id mattis. Aenean pulvinar diam sit amet enim vestibulum id aliquam mauris placerat. Duis ut sodales est. Praesent porttitor blandit auctor. Vestibulum non lacus vitae nisi sodales egestas sed at tellus. Proin egestas molestie neque quis laoreet. Nunc nec purus ipsum. Nullam ac auctor orci. Nunc facilisis fermentum dolor, nec eleifend sem mollis at. Aliquam erat volutpat. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae;
Morbi ut pulvinar mauris. Cras non lacus mi. Class aptent taciti sociosqu ad litora torquent per conubia nostra, per inceptos himenaeos. Phasellus et eros lectus, ac convallis sapien. Mauris cursus, felis et accumsan porttitor, turpis massa posuere metus, nec tempus tellus ante et quam. Nunc posuere interdum massa non mollis. Nunc tincidunt bibendum diam a dignissim.
Vivamus convallis venenatis nunc eu tristique. Ut auctor luctus ullamcorper. Praesent sed nisi nec nibh ornare mattis non a erat. Integer lobortis elementum dolor, id faucibus purus consequat sit amet. Praesent lacus augue, adipiscing in aliquam eget, elementum nec elit. Quisque feugiat gravida porttitor. Fusce varius, ligula sit amet commodo accumsan, urna nisi rhoncus magna, non consectetur nisi felis eu neque. Donec at eros leo. Donec fringilla euismod mauris at elementum. Sed convallis, leo sed dictum dictum, nunc leo tempus enim, et blandit justo augue sit amet velit. Curabitur nec congue neque. Praesent sed ultrices lacus. Vivamus est turpis, commodo sed porttitor non, gravida nec augue. Nullam dictum, orci in fermentum malesuada, justo sapien vestibulum lorem, et tempus libero libero a mi.
Suspendisse vitae tortor leo. Etiam rhoncus posuere vulputate. Aenean sed est purus, et dignissim ante. Morbi id leo sed ante aliquam dignissim. Vestibulum sed scelerisque odio. Nam augue ligula, consectetur ac facilisis sed, accumsan quis lacus. Donec nec suscipit lectus. Phasellus quam felis, ultricies ac commodo ac, rhoncus eu mi. Integer a scelerisque nulla.
3:38 pm
- Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit.
- Morbi vestibulum gravida erat, quis facilisis diam dapibus vitae.
- Donec posuere hendrerit diam, et ultricies lorem mattis mollis.
- Sed vestibulum tristique diam, at adipiscing nulla dapibus vitae.
- Aliquam porttitor sodales quam, quis aliquet ante tempus ut.
- Curabitur vulputate eros eu justo pulvinar volutpat at eu mauris.
- Donec porttitor leo blandit leo tempus accumsan.
- Vivamus id eros sed tortor ullamcorper dictum.
3:37 pm
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Morbi mi odio, scelerisque nec viverra quis, placerat rhoncus dolor. Quisque rutrum aliquam augue, vitae faucibus nibh interdum nec. Donec vel nibh arcu. Proin dignissim dignissim massa eget tristique. Vestibulum eu lobortis nunc. Aenean nec sapien vel dui cursus ullamcorper. Aliquam eleifend purus a nulla tristique iaculis. Donec interdum mollis cursus. Integer sit amet justo tortor, molestie rhoncus libero. Sed ut ante vel enim porttitor elementum at vitae nunc. Mauris at elit at enim pulvinar rhoncus sit amet in erat. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Vestibulum vel orci condimentum ante condimentum facilisis.
Fusce sit amet neque id lectus pharetra gravida. Suspendisse eu arcu arcu, vitae tempor dui. Curabitur nec mi augue, luctus placerat nisl. Integer varius ullamcorper est, eu aliquet arcu condimentum non. Class aptent taciti sociosqu ad litora torquent per conubia nostra, per inceptos himenaeos. Phasellus venenatis, sapien iaculis bibendum tincidunt, tellus nulla auctor arcu, et tincidunt lorem augue in arcu. Aliquam a metus sed turpis pretium molestie a nec mi. Donec volutpat hendrerit sollicitudin. Cras tristique tempor velit, in accumsan velit lacinia iaculis. Proin faucibus posuere blandit. Morbi sollicitudin lobortis fermentum. Vivamus vestibulum eros eget sem placerat non ultrices justo sagittis. Donec tincidunt mi ut erat ullamcorper hendrerit. Vivamus viverra convallis purus sed aliquet.
Ut imperdiet facilisis velit. Nunc ultrices luctus nunc et pulvinar. Nulla facilisis euismod malesuada. Donec vehicula, turpis ut ultrices tempus, est mi ullamcorper dui, vitae lobortis quam eros vitae lectus. Praesent ultrices, urna adipiscing suscipit adipiscing, turpis lectus sodales augue, nec rutrum lectus ligula sed nibh. Praesent et mauris tellus, eu lobortis dui. Morbi pulvinar, nisi vitae pretium vulputate, risus lectus convallis ipsum, sed posuere mauris ipsum in lectus. Nunc semper accumsan enim eu aliquet. Mauris iaculis, sapien non aliquet pharetra, nulla dolor iaculis est, ac pretium ante risus sit amet purus. Cras non lobortis libero.
Fusce a felis tellus. Aenean sagittis sollicitudin ligula id auctor. Morbi aliquam feugiat convallis. Ut dui diam, fermentum et euismod ut, tempor eget turpis. Nulla facilisi. Pellentesque eu libero leo. Nunc vitae magna non risus malesuada laoreet. Proin lobortis enim at enim commodo vestibulum luctus ante malesuada. Etiam mollis lectus volutpat leo pretium et aliquam felis hendrerit. Sed dolor enim, fermentum quis molestie vel, scelerisque facilisis sapien. Pellentesque vehicula mi ut nisi mattis in accumsan erat pulvinar. Nullam sit amet turpis tellus. Fusce quis nulla sit amet metus gravida tincidunt ac sed metus. Duis eu est diam, eget ornare metus.
Nullam ut accumsan augue. Nam molestie commodo sollicitudin. Proin porttitor risus nec orci mattis semper. Ut convallis rutrum felis at facilisis. Pellentesque nibh tortor, consectetur at euismod vitae, porta ut mi. Aliquam vitae nisl lectus. Cras ut dolor ac tortor sodales eleifend. Donec tincidunt tortor eget nibh mollis porta. Aenean porttitor faucibus felis at sodales. Proin faucibus interdum nisi a imperdiet. Curabitur vitae nisl purus, nec ultricies lacus.
3:36 pm
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Morbi mi odio, scelerisque nec viverra quis, placerat rhoncus dolor. Quisque rutrum aliquam augue, vitae faucibus nibh interdum nec. Donec vel nibh arcu. Proin dignissim dignissim massa eget tristique. Vestibulum eu lobortis nunc. Aenean nec sapien vel dui cursus ullamcorper. Aliquam eleifend purus a nulla tristique iaculis. Donec interdum mollis cursus. Integer sit amet justo tortor, molestie rhoncus libero. Sed ut ante vel enim porttitor elementum at vitae nunc. Mauris at elit at enim pulvinar rhoncus sit amet in erat. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Vestibulum vel orci condimentum ante condimentum facilisis.
Fusce sit amet neque id lectus pharetra gravida. Suspendisse eu arcu arcu, vitae tempor dui. Curabitur nec mi augue, luctus placerat nisl. Integer varius ullamcorper est, eu aliquet arcu condimentum non. Class aptent taciti sociosqu ad litora torquent per conubia nostra, per inceptos himenaeos. Phasellus venenatis, sapien iaculis bibendum tincidunt, tellus nulla auctor arcu, et tincidunt lorem augue in arcu. Aliquam a metus sed turpis pretium molestie a nec mi. Donec volutpat hendrerit sollicitudin. Cras tristique tempor velit, in accumsan velit lacinia iaculis. Proin faucibus posuere blandit. Morbi sollicitudin lobortis fermentum. Vivamus vestibulum eros eget sem placerat non ultrices justo sagittis. Donec tincidunt mi ut erat ullamcorper hendrerit. Vivamus viverra convallis purus sed aliquet.
Ut imperdiet facilisis velit. Nunc ultrices luctus nunc et pulvinar. Nulla facilisis euismod malesuada. Donec vehicula, turpis ut ultrices tempus, est mi ullamcorper dui, vitae lobortis quam eros vitae lectus. Praesent ultrices, urna adipiscing suscipit adipiscing, turpis lectus sodales augue, nec rutrum lectus ligula sed nibh. Praesent et mauris tellus, eu lobortis dui. Morbi pulvinar, nisi vitae pretium vulputate, risus lectus convallis ipsum, sed posuere mauris ipsum in lectus. Nunc semper accumsan enim eu aliquet. Mauris iaculis, sapien non aliquet pharetra, nulla dolor iaculis est, ac pretium ante risus sit amet purus. Cras non lobortis libero.
Fusce a felis tellus. Aenean sagittis sollicitudin ligula id auctor. Morbi aliquam feugiat convallis. Ut dui diam, fermentum et euismod ut, tempor eget turpis. Nulla facilisi. Pellentesque eu libero leo. Nunc vitae magna non risus malesuada laoreet. Proin lobortis enim at enim commodo vestibulum luctus ante malesuada. Etiam mollis lectus volutpat leo pretium et aliquam felis hendrerit. Sed dolor enim, fermentum quis molestie vel, scelerisque facilisis sapien. Pellentesque vehicula mi ut nisi mattis in accumsan erat pulvinar. Nullam sit amet turpis tellus. Fusce quis nulla sit amet metus gravida tincidunt ac sed metus. Duis eu est diam, eget ornare metus.
Nullam ut accumsan augue. Nam molestie commodo sollicitudin. Proin porttitor risus nec orci mattis semper. Ut convallis rutrum felis at facilisis. Pellentesque nibh tortor, consectetur at euismod vitae, porta ut mi. Aliquam vitae nisl lectus. Cras ut dolor ac tortor sodales eleifend. Donec tincidunt tortor eget nibh mollis porta. Aenean porttitor faucibus felis at sodales. Proin faucibus interdum nisi a imperdiet. Curabitur vitae nisl purus, nec ultricies lacus.
Saturday, 30 April 2011, 9:51 pm
chilly down.
i love photography.
No really, it's probably my best talent, and one of my deepest passions. I've done it professionally, I've been published, I've got a good networking ring around Australia and through photography, I have met some very famous horses and people. I even had a 9-5 job selling cameras for JB HI FI.
I was reflecting on why I love it so much today, as I slipped another grey Nikon lithium into its charger prepped for tomorrow...
I've always been an artist. I've always been on a search for a more intense why of channeling how I feel and how I express myself to the world. I love the process, the geeky equipment, the hobby, the glass, the pride in owning and caring for it, the rule of thirds, the way it runs in my family, the way I can pass it on to my children.
I even love being in front of the camera -- if there's one thing I'm proud of, it's that I'm photogenic. I know how a camera sees people, and I use it to my advantage.
I love the doors it opens for me -- both career wise, and socially. Photography has enriched my relationships with those around me, as well as connecting me to a sense of purpose.
Friday, 29 April 2011, 11:16 pm
what you'll miss
at 18, I feel a little inadequate.
I work two jobs on top of a full time study course, but I still don't feel like my time is well used. My major boss at my major job is a major asshole -- but I like him. None of the other employees do. He's going through chemotherapy, as well as being elderly, as well as running a busy pub. This doesn't give you a right to be an asshole, but it gives the people around him a reason to forgive him for it. Today, he called me lazy at what I do. He hasn't seen me work since my first two shifts, when I was weary to break anything, fuck anything up, and wasn't quite sure as to what I was doing. Like following a maths formula, you need something to follow. Now being much more aware and efficient, I'm faster and less watching, more doing. Needless to say, this still caused some questioning in my mind as to if I really am lazy in my work. I came to the conclusion that I'm not, but I am a stagnant observer when I'm unsure of something. Maybe that's just a sign of a poor multi-tasker.
Walking back into class, the one male in the minimal group asked if I'd ever been on Centrelink. I said no, I didn't believe in taking money off people or abusing the system when I'm perfectly capable of working for it. He said stoutly "bartending? Menial work. It means nothing." This got my spikes up a little bit. I'm quite proud of any work I do and I enjoy earning a paycheck. I learned a lot very quickly when I was thrown behind the bar and I am really very satisfied by my work. I like that it's generally unobstrusive -- it doesn't particularly hurt anyone and it doesn't particularly hurt nature. In comparison to say, oil drilling anyway.
So my beaming pride was shot down in a minute, and I began to question my motives and reasons for working when I could just be a bum.
This didn't last long. Being a bum just doesn't sit right with me.
So I keep going to my two jobs.
After my smug realisation, sitting on the desk watching the curser move across my monitor on its own regard, I began questioning myself again. I'd irritated my boss by being lazy, and my fellow student by not being lazy enough.
I'm the type of girl who likes to please everyone, and this was a mind: blown sort of situation for me to be in.
So I got the thinking about how nearly everyone else I know is a lot more settled into their jobs and careers than I am.
It then occurred to me the people I was thinking of were between the ages of 25 and 70 years old.
Other 18 year olds surrounding me, I didn't particularly crease much mind to until I remembered this. So I drew up a table comparing myself to those around me of my age and similar statistics. I was the only one not using government benefits, and I can't quite figure out if this is a good or a bad thing. The others around me worked 1 job as well as part time or full time study, or no job at all. The minority owned their own car. Even less owned their own car outright. No one else had paid for their car out of their own pocket -- their parents bought it for them. None had assets, and few had savings worth mentioning. A percentage had children and or were pregnant, and none were married. One other girl had a meaningful job as a check-out girl in casual hours -- but blows her paycheck on alcohol every weekend.
This comparison didn't particularly make me feel anything except unmotivated by my companions. So I began thinking about the types of careers I could have.
I could have a career that becomes my very existence -- like a Dr. or a Lawyer or a Scientist or a pHD holder. I could hold something tedious and responsible, like the photography I did for cash-in-hand. But this seems somewhat meaningless in the scheme of things and doesn't really appeal to me as a career. Possibly a supplement for one.
For now, I think I'll stick with being a bartender.
It's a nice job. It's good pay, it sounds glamorous, and you get to know a lot of good people.
You also get to know the majority of the whores, sleazes and sexually agressive males in town, too.
But that's alright. Professional.
Pro, pro pro pro pro pro pro.
All in all, I think I'm doing okay for 18 years old, but could be doing better.
I do worry that by the time I'm 25 I won't know what I want.
Then I worry I'll be 32 and not know what I want.
Then I worry I'll be 45 and not know what I want.
Maybe I'll just go bohemian.
8:53 am
a pantomime horsie
Myspace. SO 2005, right? A relic of the technological Cold War for kids, now in their late teens or early twenties. The sweet summer of 2005 where guyliner and bromance was new and cool, Beiber was a 15 year old UK girls username, and Facebook was merely a thought and cheap domain in a college kids geeky revenge dreams. Tom, once white-shirt and slouched, now tweed and The Cure albums, was a good man - he was my first real internet friend, welcoming me to the world of HISspace.
Myspace moved gradually towards the music scene and dropped the heady gossip Facebook became so good at, and the reason it eventually died in the ass. So to speak. Now it's simply a living will for those wanting to be reminded of the early 2000's - a day of innocence when the only thing you had to worry about was the odd friend request from "that guy" in Turkey regarding your sexually charged teenage mirror pose.
So, with a pocket full of loose change and a head full of ideas, I realised I hadn't signed into Myspace for years -- actually, come to think of it, I simply replaced it with Facebook. But darned if I can bring myself to delete it.
Oh look, a new Myspace logo. That's a helpful change to try and compete with Zuckerburg. Nice try anyway, Tom.
Alright, I admit it. I'm here to look at myself 3 or 4 years ago. My angsty, spoilt 13-14 year old self. I'm curious about how much I've changed, if at all, in a mere four years. And so I begin my tour.
Firstly, I was well liked!
"________ has 489 friends!"
Funny, I didn't feel that way years ago.
Maybe I'm a realist now, on Facebook I only have 248 friends.
I call that an improvement. Tick.
My first friend on the list was my BESTEST male buddy EVER. When I was 14 he was 26 and he put up with me pretty well. I respected that little sod. He's now a pessimistic sad 29 year old with dissolved dreams, no girlfriend, and a deathwish. That's a good start. His comments were insightful. Mostly fatherly but generally endearing and well-meaning.
"i should add, for Rant 1., sometimes we need to invest some time into really trying to help our loved ones to reach a confidence and an understanding in order that they can finally appreciate the compliments - it's never as easy as saying "just get over it" - our friends are those we cherish in good times, help with guidance in lost times, are content with in chilled times, and who we support to our full capacity in bad times.
Glad you and a friend worked this one out..
love from emo/metal/HC/rock/indie/ambient/alternative/worker/petrol-head/wolf... ;)
Stay Strong. xx"
Like I said, thoughtful and endearing. My first father figure. My first major crush. We then became just good buddies and still are to this day.
"Friends like Family.
Common grounds give us more to share and to connect on, differences can be difficult but it's only the blind and the insecure who try to shut others down for their position in life and for their choices. ..if i hear the 'e' word or goth or slut ONE MORE TIME..
One of our good mates, Ian, says sarcastically: "a SLUT's a girl who won't sleep with YOU" - we recognise macho male bullshit; they force girls to do what they don't want to, then call them sluts for being involved.. like, what the fukk?
Luvs, Wrestles & Hugs
.lr. xx "
My 14-year old self liked the use the words "emo, killed, twisted, wicked, sin," a straight jacket reference, and poor HTML use. My spelling was sub par spelling "vegetarian" much like "vegetation" (points for trying) and frequent interchange between "their, there, they're", "to, too, two", and "you're, your".
My 14-year old self was a promiscuous creature, though I remember she had only just had her first kiss and brush with males at that point. Her first boyfriend at 13 was a tall, long-haired Caucasian named "Dean", who owned a t-shirt company and to this day still owes her $200 for a train ticket back to Brisbane. Little snippets of my budding sexuality were plastered on this internet home -- references to snuggling with a man wearing a hoodie (tasted but not eaten), my undeveloped and untested preferences for a mate (long hair, good arms and a deep voice seemed the be the only criteria) as well as a "rebellious" banner; "I can suck it and smile, bitch." No doubt I could, but at age 14, I didn't quite understand the sheer sluttiness of such a statement. Listing her perfect male, he was between 6'2-6'9, long-haired, stubble, wore white t-shirts and blue jeans, black hair, grey/green/blue eyes, and wanted him to be quiet but thoughtfully intelligent.
12th of December, 2006, 14-year old self talked about her first summer fling. 6'6", long black hair, piercings, tattoo's, and a ladycharmer way of talking. He fit my "perfect man" exactly. I'm not sure which came first. I hope it was a self fulfilling prophecy.
14-year old self claims to be single, 169cm tall, of average weight, 16 years old, Wiccan and undecided whether or not she'll have children. She started highschool in 2003 and at the time of writing her 14-year old thoughts, had not yet completed it.
14-year old self had a best Myspace buddy. Best Myspace buddy got married and never logged on again. 14-year old self remembered being particularly bitter about this, and my Myspace visits got less frequent. 3 years ago she posted a comment on there saying she still thinks about me, and is happily married. Aw.
517 comments were posted on her Myspace wall during her stay with the website. The majority were bands, idle banter between high-school friends, or specifically, her best friend during years 7-9, who left school as soon as she found out, yep, she was pregnant. They haven't really spoken since, but I do know she's engaged and has a lovely daughter.
Blogging, all these years ago, was a new pursuit. Her mood was constantly chipper, sometimes deflating to merely "happy". With a spinny-smiley!
14-year old self took a lot of surveys. She had never cheated on a partner, listed her "current relationship status" as "swinging" (untrue, fatty 14 year old) and was fine with stay-at-home mums. I liked the texture of meat, but didn't eat it, and preferred Coke over Pepsi. I was a sell-out, listening 50 Cent over 2Pak, and listed a preference for Kerry over Bush.
Hindsight is an interesting little bitch.
1:38 am
it's not all beer and skittles.
this is one of those "about me" posts. So you can get to know me, I guess. Like a meme but less artistic. Like an autobiography but less public or freely accessible or annoying.
- I'm about to turn 19 years old.
- I'm 5'8, or on the upper end of 172cm tall. 59kg.
- I'm a geek -- Apple products, Microsoft products, and a tiny tiny bit of Linux.
- I ride horses professionally, and train.
- My name without vowels is Ssch Rchrdsn
- Sometimes I forget to eat.
- I really liked English in school, but my favorite English teacher didn't like me very much.
- I'm really not a very strong swimmer.
- A cassingle is a cassette single.
- I remember using video tapes.
- My favorite movie as a child was Jumanji.
- I'm a very proud brunette. I love my hair. I wear it like a hat. An expensive, silken hat.
- I really like sleeping in panties and an oversized mens shirt. It makes me feel delicate.
- I used to be very fat. Now I'm not.
- I used to be bulimic. Now I'm not. Most of the time.
- I was in love. I'm still in love.
- I work 2 jobs. Both are bartending.
- I full-time study on top of work.
- I drive a very old, very falling-apart but very well loved pickup truck.
- I have green eyes.
- Sometimes I wonder if I should be a little more ambitious. I want a position of power in a career, but then power isn't that important to me. I'd just as soon stay in a menial position and let other peoples hair fall out from stress while staying in late at the office.
- I'm a brilliant bartendress. I want to work in a nightclub, as opposed to my current position in a pub.
- Being a bartender, I now drink very, very rarely.
- I believe very strongly in nature. Some people call it God, some people call it spiritual. Call it what you want.
- I really like old Disney cartoons.
- I'm not very good at about me's. I know it's because I'm not very self aware. I'm working on it.
- I like to sleep cuddled up to something. I'm a sooky-lala at heart. A teddy. A pillow. A man.
- I'm not afraid of spiders. I'm not afraid of snakes. Or mice. Or rats. I kind of like all of them.
- I don't know if I'm really scared of anything, or just aprehensive.
- My grandmother once rubbed my chest with Vicks vapor rub when I was sick. When she died, this was my fondest memory of her,
- I want a husband and children. Soon.
- I really like Calvin Klien adverts.
- I have really expensive hobbies. Cars, horses and camera.
- I really like big dogs, but not little ones.
- I like the show Full House, and various other 80's sitcoms. Like ALF.
- Snails are really cute.
- I like trance, dubstep, house, mashups, raw rap, indie rock, folk, classical rock, classical music.
- I really like stubble on men. Refer to Calvin Klien advert point.
- Complete hippie in many aspects.
- I'm very well educated and cultured. But most of the time, I'm barefoot.
- Vegan.
- I have a good luck charm. It's a small pebble with a loveheart on it that I found in the Blue Mountains.
- I watched a dog rip a live, screaming fox apart once.
- Speaking of pebbles, did you know penguins exchange pebbles for sex?
- I've always wanted to slow-dance with the person I love.
- I really like lava lamps and neon lights. But I tend to wear mostly black. Go figure.
- I imagine myself as very successful, but I don't know if I want success to feel powerful or so I don't feel inadequate.
1:10 am
what I learned from being fat..
When I was fat, I was bitter. I suffered from the fat-person syndrome. I always had a scowl on my face. I hated thin people. I was a loner. In highschool I carried over-age novels around and wore a trench coat and eyeliner until year 10. I had to use my brain, not my body. I tried fitting in but never quite could (no pun intended). When I lost it all I still didn't fit in. I might've been average but people still didn't like me. So I learned to wrangle my wavy hair and makeup and dress in nice clothes that I could now fit into. Suddenly people liked me. I never had a distorted view of my body to the extent of some people. I never did think I was huge (even when I was) or that my hair was messy (even when it was) or that my skin needed some love (even when it did). Now that I have nice skin, slim, and enviable hair, sometimes, I still feel like that little girl who could never fit in with anybody.
I did, in hindsight, learn a lot despite the years of possible trauma.
- I learned what it feels like to be "that" person at the party who hovers around and tries to make someone listen to them, but after one too many rejections, leaves. This taught me to make the extra effort to talk to the odd guy out.
- I learned that it's better to be fat then thin, not thin then fat. Why? I had to figure out how to use my brains. I lacked socially but luckily, that seems to be inherant. I developed my mind, intelligence and whit early on because it was the only way to not get your head flushed down the toilet every morning before roll call.
- I learned not to take my current looks for granted.
- I learned quiet appreciation.
- I learned I will never be the fat wife. If I gain a kilo, I work my ass off until it's gone. I'm so terrified of going anywhere near where I was again, that it's literally impossible for me to be a fatass again.
- I learned how fucking difficult it is to lose weight.
- I learned I developed some mild narcissism, OCD behavior and masochism from my weightloss. I'm okay with that.
- I learned I didn't understand the meaning of responsibility until I developed into an attractive, slim girl. I couldn't handle all the men looking at me. It was intoxicating. Even though I was off the market. I've had my fill now and just find it irksome.
- I learned it was worth every bit of sweat and ass-shedding, especially for a $26-p/h glamorous, fun and well-profiled job that came of it.
Mostly I learned, that despite having many a big-friend who I always thought was beautiful (I've not ever looked at someone in my life and said, ew, gross, am I alone in this?) I never could carry the weight well. I'm glad it's gone. A moment of honesty.
12:24 am
hello, daddy.
so I've done a lot of study into a lot of different topics.
One thing I neglected was "daddy issues."
I had a long-term boyfriend who I was causing a lot of issues with, but no, no it couldn't be me causing those issues. But now, I was forced to take a good long look at my sensitive supressed side. Out of my entire near-19 rotations on this earth, I've spent maybe 4 hours thinking about the other half of my genetics.
I thought that I didn't like this man very much, but was more or less indifferent to him.
Similar to the way I feel about Tony Blair, or a long-lost ex boyfriend, or the rabbit on the road flattened like a pancake 3 months ago. Indifferent.
He's never been a part of my life. According to bank statements, all in all he's contibuted $12.52 to my upbringing. Not a call, not a word. Nada.
Tonight, after a little soul searching, I realised that it was somewhat likely that "daddy issues" were contibuting to my poor judgement in terms of relationships and men. The "symptoms" I managed to compile consist of those attributed to people with abandonment issues, sexual issues and narcissicm.
1) Sexual aggressiveness, and flirtation - I never actually was interested in the men I flirted with, I just liked the attention, shamelessly. For the first time in my life I'm not a fatty in the corner. Men like me -- even if it's just with the "bang-her" part of their brain. They show me I'm desirable. Like a kitten having the underside of her chin scratched, I purr and accept it.
2) believing I need to sexually fufil my partner to rediculous standards otherwise they'll never, ever, ever love me - I went overboard with this in my last relationship, I put too much emphasis on it and stuck my fingers in my ears saying "la la la!" when he tried telling me he loved ME, not what I could do for him. I did this for fear of losing him, he saw it as me being a nympho.
3) Older men - I have no interest dating or being with anyone under the age of 27-28 years old.
4) Too eager to please - I'd bend over backwards for a man to make him content. Again, overboard, spending too much money, avoiding my own life to impress his and losing my identity to drop everything and be the "dutiful" girlfriend. Aka "please say you're proud of me, daddy" syndrome.
And ecetera. I realised this wasn't healthy. (self awareness check, one, tick.)
So tonight, for the first time in my life, I called my "father."
I went into the call expecting nothing. I didn't feel much.
Call one. Palms sweating. Heart racing. Voicemail. Heard his voice and dissolved.
Call two. Same thing. Heard his voice. Bit my lower lip. Was he ignoring me? Did he know it was me? Did he HATE me? Did he want nothing to do with me? Omg.
My phone rings.
I let it ring. And ring. And RING.
I pickup and say "hello?"
Okay, it's more..
".. hello."
With a bit of a defensive tone.
I admit.
"Hi, who's this? I got a missed call from you."
"I'm your daughter."
Silence.
As soon as he said my name... I felt it all hit me at once. Everything I thought I didn't feel, I did, and suddenly I was angry, upset, in a rage, nostaligic, and more angry with this voice over the line. I wanted to scream WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN? WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE? YOU DID THIS TO ME. I HATE YOU. YOU HURT MY MUM. I FUCKING HATE YOUR SOUL.
Instead I just said "hi, Brett." Quietly. And he replied "you sound a lot older.. like a nice girl."
Defences back up and the rest of the conversation is a blur, a wrestle with my emotions. Half wanted to hate him forever and tell him everything I was resentful about, the other half just wanted to say "I love you dad.. please don't leave me again."
But, what can two people who have never met eachother say? Blood or not, it got awkward. Especially after he brought up the topic of money. I don't want money. I want a dad.
He told me he'd call me after work tomorrow and we'll "have a yarn."
Now I feel oddly okay about all this. I'm fixing my life! Look at me, Ms. Proactive.
Liberated, taking a step in the right direction... but unsupported.
This was a lot of unintentional garble fueled by classical rock.
I wonder if he'll buy me a new car.
Thursday, 28 April 2011, 11:48 pm
i won't think about him.
I won't think about him.
I won't.
I won't.
I won't think about him anymore.
I won't think about the way he looked.
I won't think about the way he smiled.
I'm not going to think about his voice.
I won't think about how much I like his friends and family.
I won't think about the way his hand felt on my shoulder.
I won't think about how he didn't seem so tall when we were lying in bed together.
I won't think about how he always took the left side of the bed so I could sleep on his chest.
I won't think about his understanding and forgiveness.
I'm not going to think about that time in the nightclub.
I won't think about his love of techno.
I won't think about the way he's so stubborn.
I won't think about his big, blue eyes.
I won't think about his goatee.
I'm not going to think about meeting his family.
I'm not going to think about how his favorite beer is Pure Blonde and his fave whiskey is J.D.
I'm not going to think about how he used to call me Bambi.
I won't think about how he let me play classic rock even though he hated it.
I won't think about how he looked so sexy when he was driving.
I won't think about how much he changed me for the better.
I'm not going to think about the time I miscarried his baby.
I'm not going to think about the way he liked my guacamole.
I'm not going to think about he was really pretty good at telling jokes.
I won't think about how protected I felt in his arms.
I won't think about his gorgeous torso.
I won't think about the time he cried in front of me.
I won't think about his sexy cars.
I'm not going to think about camping.
I'm not going to think about the 6 hour Skype calls.
I'm not going to think about how it felt to be loved by him.
I won't think about his ambition.
I won't think about his forgiveness.
I won't think about how he really didn't like David Bowie or the Whitlams.
I won't think about how for a long time it felt like it was going to work out.
I'm not going to think about how it felt at Christmas when I got my first present from a boyfriend.
I'm not going to think about wearing his shirt to run to the shower at his house.
I'm not going to think about what he's doing right now
I'm not going to think about how much I love him.
I'm not going to think about how he used to talk to me every hour of the day on MSN but now he doesn't so he must have found someone else to talk to.
:/
11:34 pm
that noise Pidgin makes when you get a new message
I probably spend entirely too much time on the Internet.
Actually, I'm pretty unimpressed with the Internet being my only true addiction.
I tried smoking, and I didn't enjoy it.
I tried binge drinking, and I really didn't enjoy it.
I smoked a joint once, and I really didnt enjoy it.
I did drugs, and I really didn't enjoy it.
I tried T.V, and I really don't enjoy it.
No, I like being plugged into a world-wide conciousness.
Nice choice!
Honestly, I spend six to nine hours a day.
To be HONEST the majority is study! That's a lie. The majority is procrastination.
But I'm trying and sometimes it doesn't seem so bad to be locked into this world, as opposed to moving around out there in the skin cancer and criminals with high peformance vehicles. I can find anything here. Porn, an article on how to knit a teddy bear, why-is-there-a-lump-on-my-ankle, a fan page for Madonna's armpits, floral forums, and recipes I can ruin.
Now this didn't particularly concern me. The internet is my saftey blanket. All these safe little people, in their safe little world, hiding behind their safe little monitors, talking to me in a safe little way. I actually met my recently-ex boyfriend through the Internet. I'll bitch/cry/complain/love over him a lot here to give my poor friends (the R.L ones!) a break. But, I have noticed some drawbacks. My long-distance eyesight apparently is failing -- not cool, it's making me a bit of a menace on the roads. I can still write a lover letter, but can miss a major turn-off on a freeway. Sometimes I forget to eat. Sometimes I sit for 6 hours waiting for a message from my ex boyfriend to go "beep", because somehow I think if he thinks I'm waiting for him, he'll still love me forever and ever.
In summary, the Internet is pretty anything you want it to be. Even Madonna's armpits.
11:15 pm
blah blah blah oh, wake up, blog.
So I'm a maladjusted, sooky, lovesick, food-obsessed, crass, daddy-issued, vegan, learning, soft-hearted coming adult. I'm starting a blog because I like journals, but I'm also forward moving, so a digital journal is perfect. I'm also an exhibitionist. Excellent. This is my attempt at becoming more self aware.
When I was growing up, it was just mum and I against the world. All my sympathiest are with her. She's a good woman, she works hard and she brought me up to a loose end. By that I mean, she never did teach me how to be anything. She didn't try and teach me religion, or morals, or right or wrong. She didn't teach me about boys, or life, or give me any worldly pieces of advice. She did, however, provide me with freedom, uncapped choices, financial help, and a bitter taste in my mouth of men.
So I grew up fairly unopinionated. But very narcissistic. My childhood cockiness came from other family members, who treated me like a princess, and still have me on a very tall pedestal.
Actually, as a girl with current self-esteem issues, I can think back to where they started. I don't remember much about my childhood except that animals were my friends. Dogs loved me, horses did too. I loved dogs and horses - right back. But my favorite animal? The pigeon. As a toddler and child living in the desert, I had a dove who didn't leave my side. She was a fan-tail love. One day, mum decided she didn't like my best friend anymore and let her go. She came back. She let her go again and I think an eagle got her. That was my first experience with loss that I remember. I loved that dove.
We then moved to Sydney. A bit of a change, but I adapted well (as a 6 year old does) to the city. I liked the cars and people, the school I went to was prestigious and I got good grades. I liked school. I remember once I brought a dead bird to show and tell - I don't know what I was trying to achieve, but I achieved it. The teachers threw out the bird much to my dismay and questioning, and called my mother. Another time, which I remember well, was the time the cafeteria lady took me to the principle for supposably flipping her off. I don't think I even knew the gesture as a 6-year old, but she was convinced. I don't know quite how I weeded myself out of that.
I remember the first website I ever visited. It was the website for the candy "NERDS." I remember the computer I was sitting at, and looking at the back of the box of the candy trying to precicely type out the URL in the address bar during a lesson when we were learning about Pluto.
I was also a fat child.
I'm now an average shaped teenager.
I'm not thin, or skinny, or exceptionally built or curvy, but I have a pretty face, lovely long wavy hair, and green eyes. My skin darkens well, I know how to present myself, and in general, I'm fairly happy with the way I look in the mirror. On most days. Sometimes, when I'm having a down day, I think about how I'm a bartender, and that generally boosts my mood.
I lost a lot of weight at age 16, the same age I lost my virginity.
It was an unspectacular weightloss. From 96kg to 59kg over a period of a year and a half. Less food in my face, more time off my ass. Similiarly, the loss of my virginity was pretty unspectacular. It wasn't my first time realising sex existed, but it was the first time I realised I find it very difficult to say no.
I like studying.
I like the feeling of working towards something.
It's comfortable.
Sometimes I feel like I need to volunteer, or find God, or find a career.
Sometimes.
10:25 pm
blah blah blah blah blah blah